Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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