he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
