I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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