we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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