Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
