Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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