Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
