hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
