somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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