On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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