Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize
