dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
