I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
