A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
