I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
