Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
