You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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