Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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