you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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