She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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