I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize