I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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