I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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