My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
