i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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