he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
