i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
