I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
