I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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