I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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