I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
