Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
