wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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