I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
