I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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