When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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