I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
