He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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