btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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