WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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