I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
