Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
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