she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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