I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just had sex on a roof
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
