do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
