i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
