he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
