Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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