Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
