Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Randomize
