Screwed.edu
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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