Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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