bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
