OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
